It's the monday after the army half marathon... 21 km of absolute pure torture that every single operational 18 - 20 non-chao kenger has to go through. Today, I'm no better than a cripple, having muscle aches and cramps in my legs. Absolute bliss to spend it at home though...

Wonder how blogging has become such a ubiquity in today's society - everyone has one. Just today, it was reported that US soldiers are blogging about their thoughts and experiences in Iraq. The best quote is - "Be friendly when you get there. Everybody's armed" -Anon. Even XiaXue has had rave reviews about her blog - I'm just one who thinks her blog makes for good entertainment (remember talkingcock.com?) and I guess she really does put in a lot of time and effort into making her blog a success.

Latest blog on her site about Ian* (named changed) really struck me. I guess it struck a raw nerve in my system, about being over elitist and everything. I mean, Ian doesn't even come CLOSE to being elite. He's just an NUS honors grad working in the civil service. I feel elite, but somehow, I wish to be normal. I mean, who the fuck else has had like 20 years of constant pressure of excelling in studies, society, sports, arts, music blah blah blah. I remember not getting into the GEP in primary 4 - I got a broken toenail that disrupted my concentration during the 2nd paper. Yes I know, excuses, excuses excuses. I reconciled myself that I'm just not good enough, not smart enough.

But that "failure" in primary 4 probably set me up for better things in my life. I studied harder for PSLE than my ex-classmate who took the primary 4 GEP route and eventually got into the GEP programme in Sec 1.

That's when I went downhill...

I remember playing too much, being overly proud, being overconfident. I didn't study, didn't do ANY work (memories which up till now, I still am very proud of:), which cemented my status as a BAD student, a rebel without a cause.. But still a very musically talented one:) hahaha.. Ego talking here... I slacked thru Sec 1, Sec 2 and Sec 3... In fact, I was crap. I was up against the BEST the nation had to offer. I had people sitting two rows away who could quote Socrates, the guy sitting on my left could solve a Uni. Maths question, the guy behind was the softball captain and so on and so forth. In this cauldron of overachieving young BASTARDS, I had to struggle to even achieve what I did in primary school. So I did achieve - I was best at Starcraft, was among the top players in Warcraft II, spent ages at Diablo 2 trying to get to the top, played MUD as though my life depended on it.

Where did that get me? Into SSS in Sec 4 (Self study scheme). It was where the hopelessly non-acadaemically inclined were thrown into. I finally studied for my O levels:). I got 6 pts for prelim and lo and behold, overconfidence struck and I was left with 7 come O levels.

At least it was better than Shar, who had to cope with family upheaval problems during her O level year.

So I went JC. Achieved, not overly, and the best thing that ever happened to me happened. I finally was happy. Happy with my life not least because I had someone to share my life with, someone I could care about, someone that I loved and reciprocated without feeling indebted. I had no doubt those were the best years of my young life.

Then Army happened.


Funny how I had always blamed army for me and my ex's break-up. I never really talked about it to anyone else. I kept in bottled up in me, forging it into a hatred for the army, into hatred for happiness.. I guess I was really terror during my cadet course, I was just so lonely and withdrawn from the world...

I realised after the break-up, I was really quite a hard person to live with. On the outside, I am happy, jolly and smiling... But really, I sometimes prefer loneliness, I prefer my piano and myself, my guitar and myself. I seldom let anyone get close to me.

I guess being an elite does have its drawbacks. I was proud, over confident and I looked down on people that I do not like sometimes. I guess it's called jealousy:). People relations just elude me, I don't know why. Now I'm going overseas, so I guess if you really love somebody, you should just set her free and let her discover for herself what she really wants. I hope I can just carry on in life...


I still do care, I really do.




ranting