One of those moments

I thought i was past teenage angst and feeling lousy and sad and totally drained. You know, the sort of feeling you get when the hormones just drain you totally and you are feeling snappy and uncooperative and just plain "wrong".

well, i'm having one of those moments right now.

it happened while i was just reading through some of my sister's entries and also her friend's (quite a cutie:), and then the whole melancholy and angst in those posts just made me feel angsty again.

like, JC love and secondary school blues. Those will always stay with you. I remember secondary school I was the most uncooperative shithead ever. I think. I did have a temper, i still do. Mum's temper must have rubbed off on me, though dad is such an even tempered guy. Either the quick tempered or even tempered lip jin can emerge at any moment, so even I don't really know myself.

i remember it was like after the sec 3 exams, and i did really badly for it. It's stressful you know, when you sit beside jiayong and junwen and jiayong is like A1 for lit, and Junwen is like A1 for science and you stare at your paper and it says like C6 or C5 or some dumb grade.

never actually failed something, till i got E8 for Higher Chinese in Sec 3.

hehe. well, i got called up to the chinese HOD, and the conversation went something roughly like this:

HOD: "you have to drop higher chinese".

Me: "Why?"

HOD: "it'll be better for your overall grades."

Me: "But i know i can do it"

HOD: "sorry, please consider dropping it. It'll be better for you."

then she passed me a paper to sign and confirm i was dropping higher chinese.

i took the paper, went out of the office, and disposed of it in the nearest damn dustbin i could find.

then i went crazy. I slammed all the doors along the 2nd floor near the astroturf, kick tables and chairs in every classroom, punching boards, hurling chairs; even thought of spraying the fire extinguisher all over the classrooms.

i couldn't believe it. It was like: ME? ASKED TO FUCKING DROP A FUCKING SUBJECT? go to hell. I know my own abilities. I know i screwed up. but don't make me do something i don't want to do, or there'll be hell to pay.

I think RI has a problem with students getting B3s for subjects, it pulls down their overall grades. Makes them look bad. I bet i was on every teacher's "sure get a whole lot of A2s and B3s" list.

and i even got into SSS. wow. The infamous SSS. Laugh all you want. NO ONE, i repeat, NO ONE, gets into SSS unless you are some chain-smoking, house-breaking rugby/soccer player.

Thank God for SSS actually. I actually studied for the first time in my life:).

and i went from getting the lowest Geography score in GEP history (4/25) to full marks. haha. that was funny. The geog teacher was like "eyes-wide-open-can't-believe-this".

never doubt my abilities, and never doubt your own abilities when everyone takes you down. grit your teeth, DEFY AUTHORITY and do what you believe in.

So on to JC life. It was fun. you know, ever had one of those moments where you just lie in bed, think about what could have been? especially relationships. reading sis's friend's blog made me think a lot there.

and i got one of those moments. it's like i always thought it would last. I wouldn't want to be in the middle, i want to be the last one. You know, those letters, the pictures, the gifts, the memories. they stay with you. I used to have this box keeping all my letters and pictures from her. read them all day long back in 2003. gives you hope when something as hopeless as army comes by, especially OCS. and of course, engineers and the shit that came inside. (To think of it, it's only ONE fucking shitbag that shat all over the course - well, it only takes one shithole).

Did i think it was over then? Of course not. It was like "i wish this was temporary", which morphed into "her current boyfriend is a dickhead and it's a mistake" and finally "i wish her all the best and hope she'll be happy". the first step i took after one particularly nasty drunken phone call was to throw out all my possessions.

try it. It helps. No more reminders, no more hang-ons from a previous era, no more memories, no more illusions.

sometimes, i regret it. mostly, i don't think about it. simply because it's not around anymore. I do keep the memories, for myself, the fun we had blading, shopping, watching shows, eating, eating and more eating. hehe. i guess you really need to open your heart to someone sometime.

and really, i just need to be alone sometimes. Most of the time actually. I like company, but as friends have realised, i don't reveal myself too much. i like my space, my music, my daydreams, my melancholy. i like peace, i like waves crashing into the beach, i like blue skies, i like wind rushing through my hair as i blade, i like the blue expanse of the ocean as you windsurf through.

i guess i'll always be a loner with a penchant for crowds. and thanks to you, for you have been there, and you have made me into who i am today.

as a friend: will always be there.


(i wrote this in a stupor and while playing away at the piano, maybe it will be deleted. go on voyeurs, emotional truth at its starkest. Satie could never said it better with his Gymnopedies)

lip
ranting